Blog for An Anniversary

Back yard, Summer, 1961

It was 40 years ago today that you died.  I found your body and I wasn't even sure how I was supposed to feel.  You had been sick for so much of my life, and my life had been so chaotic for the 14 years I had you, that I know I was relieved that you were finally gone.  That the constant crises were over and done with.

1971

Two days later, at your funeral, I wept.  I think that was when I realized that that was it.  That I really needed you and that you weren't around any longer.  

I remember that day as being frigid cold, and that I had had to wear the fake fur coat that you and my father bought me earlier that year.  And Sister Lawrence Joseph holding on to me as I cried, not telling me to be strong, not telling me to be a big girl.

But what I remember most is what I've forgotten.  I can no longer hear your voice - but I know that, at the time of your death, it still had that German accent that I loved.  Far from being ashamed of how different your voice sounded from other people's, I loved that it was unique and set you apart.  I just can't hear it anymore.  

And I know I cannot remember your face without looking at photographs.  As Ringo Starr's song "Photograph" says, "Every time I see your face/It reminds me of the places we used to go./But all I got is a photograph/And I realize you're not coming back anymore"

And I knew that years ago, but I can still hope, can't I?  


I can't wish you a Happy Anniversary of your death - that would be odd.  But I can say that I still miss you and that some day I'll be able to pay real tribute to you in my work.  In the meantime, paying silent tribute to you in an occasional collage will have to do.




love,
linda 

I Beg Your Indulgence, Once Again

Once again, I'm speechless, as I cannot think of something interesting to write about.  So, instead, I wanted to share some photos that I'm particularly fond of.  I don't consider myself a photographer but someone who takes pictures.  And these are pictures of places and things that I particularly love.

For example, I love flowers even though half the time I have no idea what they are.

I found this flower near the office where I used to work.  I loved the color, I loved how it seemed cheerful.  What it is, I've no clue, but I like it.

I'm pretty sure this is a hydrangea, though I could be wrong.  Again, it's a flower I saw near my old office, and I loved the color.

This I saw near a veterans memorial on Martha's Vineyard, probably in Edgartown.  I don't know what it is, but the silver leaves fascinate me.

About two years ago my cousin Jan and I were moseying around southeast Rhode Island, in Tiverton and Little Compton.  We came across this beach on a cold, cloudy day, and I just loved the cloud cover and the moodiness of the scene.

Keeping to the water theme, I took this photo almost 30 years ago somewhere in southern Rhode Island.  Possibly Block Island, or Galilee.  The calmness of the water coupled with the boats at rest captured my attention.  I just wish I could remember where this was.

This was taken on Martha's Vineyard, in Edgartown.  I was waiting here for the bus to Oak Bluffs and loved the scene of the docked boats on a glorious summer day in 2008.

I took this photo in 2010 with the idea of creating postcards of local landmarks I could sell.  That never happened, but this is a favorite photo of mine of the Slater Mill in Pawtucket, Rhode Island, where the Industrial Revolution essentially began.  It is the first water-powered mill in the U.S., built by Samuel Slater with plans he secretly brought with him when he emigrated here from Britain.  It was illegal for him to bring those plans, and I don't know if Britain ever tried to do anything about that, once they discovered he had built this mill.

Finally, some people may question why I took this particular photo of this particular place.

It's the then front entrance of my favorite psychiatric hospital, Butler Hospital, in Providence, RI.  It's an old hospital, founded in the 1860s.  I took the photo with the idea of doing a project about my mental illness.  That hasn't happened yet.  In any case, it's a favorite photo of mine, and a favorite place, because it was here that I finally started getting help for my mental illness, back in 2009.  I realize, of course, that others will disagree (having had different experiences), but I do believe Butler has saved my life and I have nothing but good to say about the place.  Which is why I've included it here.

Hopefully someone out there will be able to identify the mystery flowers in the above photos.  
Thanks for indulging me!
later,
lin

Finding Out Who I Really Am - Part Trois

Continuing on (the previous installments can be found here and here) 

When I was finally ready to get started on the self portrait, I chose several photos to use, besides the pink house photo

3 years old

6 years old (I really love this photo)

16 years old

18 years old

30 years old

now

In retrospect, I think I should have spaced out the decades, choosing photos from my 20s and 40s, but I opted for some of these because they're milestones.

The 6 year old photo is from kindergarten, and the 16 year old photo is from high school.  Then of course the 18 year old photo is from my wedding.  At 30 I'd just graduated from college, and of course I included a recent photo of me.  Probably should have chosen one of me at 50 but chose not to go there.

I had enlargements done, but rather than use the actual photos for the project, I decided to copy them on linen cover stock paper to give a better feel.  

At first I thought I would do the self portrait as strips cut from the copies, glued together in one photo.  I tried it, and didn't take a photo of the result - it didn't work, let's just leave it at that.  I just could not cut the strips in even widths, even when I'd measured them.

Then I decided to punch the remaining pieces of the photo into squares to make a type of grid.  That was much better.

In the meantime, I was thinking about what kind of background to use.  I decided I wanted a gray-blue kind of background but instead of painting one, I found some paper in the right color at the Rhode Island School of Design store (one of my favorite sources for paper), and covered a 12x12 canvas with it.

Then I started playing with the pattern.  I really didn't know how many of the squares I wanted to use (I'd punched a lot of them), or in what sequence, so I just kept moving them around and figuring out placement, spacing (if I wanted to put space between the squares), and so on.  It took me a while to figure it out, especially since I was mired in depression and just couldn't see my way clearly.

Then, the day before I was scheduled to finish psychiatric day treatment, I had the answer to how I wanted to do this.  I decided to do a block of 25 - 13 from the pink house photo and 12 from the photos of me.  

And this is the result

And here are 2 photos with more detail

I like how it turned out but, as usual, I want a do-over.  I want to do a second piece like this with more photos, perhaps to do one from each decade or from more milestones.  For example, I didn't include any photos that were taken of me at my workplace.  I think that's important.  And I think I should not have included two photos from my childhood.

That said, I think it's a good attempt at a self-portrait.  When I showed a copy of it to my therapist, she asked me what feelings it had brought up.  I told her that I didn't know, but I think that I went at it logically, rather than emotionally.  My next attempt will be a more emotional journey, I think.

We'll see how that goes

later,

lin