While I don't want this blog to be solely about mental illness, I think a lot about it, obviously.
It's hard not to, since I see a therapist once a week, a psychiatrist once a month, and take meds.
It's hard not to think about it when I am hearing noise in my head most of the time - not voices so much but noise. Bits of music changing after a few bars, shushed conversations going on the background that I rarely can understand, even something that resembles the sound of the sea.
It's hard not to think about it when, without a moment's notice, I can sink into a profound depression that threatens to bring me down completely.
Understandably this affects my life. Often times I won't realize someone's talking to me because I'm distracted what I'm hearing in my brain. Other times I must have exterior noise surrounding me, as in TV, radio, or music in order to drown out what I hear. I crave silence but it's impossible to attain, at least right now.
There's also the depression which has been deep enough for me to attempt the unthinkable.
And there's the unreasonable demands I've placed on people in my life--which drove them away. Last summer I so very nearly lost one of my dearest friends this way. I am isolated in real life because of this. And so my online life has become of major importance.
So how does this all relate to art?
Art has been one of the very few things that have kept me alive. Literally. And gotten me out of bed (aside from the furkids I've had). It's given me a purpose, even an identity, since losing my job because of my mental illness four years ago on April 30.
And being able to create funny things like this piece below has kept my wit and humor active.
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| The Infamous Woman |
The odd thing is that I have been really uncomfortable doing any work that directly relates to my daily struggles. In 2010, I attempted to do a series of collages centered around words relating to mental illness, but I felt that it was a failure (although one person I showed them to liked the work).
I think that might be changing - I hope it is. And when I have something to show, you'll see it.
Later,
lin
I can relate somewhat to your "head noise" situation,though perhaps not to the same degree. I have got sound in my head going on nonstop, but mostly I have learned to tune it out unless I'm somewhere very quiet. Then I realize the "chirping" is going on in full force--like locusts or crickets. It took me a long time to realize it wasn't actual insects I was hearing, in fact. I have often wondered if anyone else had a similar situation. Fascinating... I've no idea what causes it.
ReplyDeleteI think we all hear something different. My original psychiatrist thought that it was related to PTSD and became a coping mechanism. I'm not so sure. Most people think that "voices" (which is what I call them publicly often because otherwise people don't understand what I'm talking about) are interior dialogues saying nasty things and telling you to go and murder someone. A friend of mine, if I remember right, hears the machines in her shop talking to her. I had to tune it out for most of my life, but eventually I couldn't any longer. Thankfully I can sometimes be distracted by doing art. Thanks for commenting
ReplyDeleteSomeday you might get tired of hearing me say this, but you are one of the bravest people I know, and a source of inspiration to me not only artistically (which is a whole story in and of itself!) but any time I need a shot of courage. Art on, my friend!
ReplyDeletelove you back
DeleteHi Lin, I think it is great that you share your story and struggles. Not only does it help educate others but can also inspire those who are struggling. Art is amazing therapy! I just started watching that new show Black Box. The main character is a neurologist who is bi-polar. This show seems like it will help others understand different mental illnesses.
ReplyDeleteI really do believe that if more of us can really "come out" and say openly that we are mentally ill, that would help. I consider it a responsibility on my part to say something, to educate. I hope the show helps, I really do. Thanks so much for the compliment
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