So the Sun Goes Behind the Clouds

It's no secret that mental illness has a major impact on my life, and its symptoms affect almost everything that I do.

My obsession with producing work for the shop - because it really is an obsession - is one way that I combat the demons, and helps me resist temptations to simply vegetate, to sleep, to stare at the television, to mindlessly surf the internet.

That obsession is an affirmation that there is indeed a point in existing, that I can contribute something.  Even if my sales are slow, I know that people like the work, that they enjoy it.  I know a large reason why sales are slow is that people really don't have a lot of money to spend on what amounts to frivolous stuff.  It's not stuff they NEED, like other items that are sold on Etsy.  I accept that - I'd feel the same way, frankly, especially right now when finances are hugely tight and I have to think about how I spend my pennies.

Of course I'm gratified to make a sale, especially if it's to someone who really loves it, and I love the comments I get from people about it.  Knowing that a card I've made makes someone feel better is really proof that it has value.

But that doesn't bring the sun back when it's dark.

And I write about this today because the sun has indeed retreated, at least for a few days.  I noticed it Sunday afternoon when I was trying to list things on Etsy as part of one of my teams' listing blitzes (when team members support each other's new items through various methods - it's complicated to explain).   The interest and drive I'd had on Saturday was draining away.  Saturday was incredibly productive, so I thought perhaps that I was just tired.

But it wasn't just that - it was a wall that I'd hit.  And even though I attempted to push through the wall by starting work on the next Art Challenge assignment - a self portrait - it didn't help.  After several hours of aimless putzing around without accomplishing very much, I was finally able to at least do a little more work on magnets that were in production.

One thing that might surprise those familiar with depression is that there can be a component of agitation with it, and I was experiencing that as well, to the point of not being able to get to sleep until 1 in the morning. Which of course doesn't help.

Why again am I writing about this?

I think it's because there's some comfort in sharing what goes on in one's mind, especially when it's something as misunderstood as mental illness.  For me it's not just depression or mania, but also elements of schizophrenia (the noise that's always in my head), borderline personality disorder (placing unreasonable demands on people, intense fear of abandonment), and PTSD (disturbing reactions to random events because it evokes memories of traumatic events)

And I need to be honest with people, and myself, when I'm not well.  

And all of that combined makes for an interesting mix of symptoms and behaviors that I think confound my treatment providers.  I know I can't always explain it.

So that's where I'm at.  

I don't know where this will take me but I do intend to keep fighting it and working and, yes, sharing what it is I do.

Hopefully you'll still continue to follow that journey with me.

later,
lin